SUSTIVA
by Spring Epava
Summary: Gray travels to Crocus by train and meets a young man called Z. They begin to talk about their own past for the time of the trip. And, slowly, strange links spring beetween them. AU. M for violence, lemon and language. Couples to discover. Next chapter in beta reading !
1. BLUE

Well,_ there it is, my third fanfic begins now. It is my very first one in english, it was quite a challenge !  
_

_It a UA... Again, I take some serious themes here (and quite personals too). I have a strange way to write so don't be afraid to be lost in the visions sometimes - I love making readers disconcerted. _

_So thanks again to my great betareader **Miyu** ;) and thanks to you if you are beginning the trip, this fic is not an easy one to read. I would be glad to recieve suggestions and reviews !_

_I also put names of music to listen when youa re reading certain extracts. It adds pleasure in reading I think, so be free to tru try the music on youtube ;) Titles of the music are in italic._

_Lets'go !_

* * *

**SUSTIVA**

* * *

PART ONE

* * *

_Blue  
_

**_XXX_**

_Listen to Lars von Trier & Kristian Eidnes - Antichrist Soundtrack - "Credits"_

Athyrium's banners were covering the blue-sea threshold of a great swamp, exuding vapors of ancient time – vapors of that former time where forest covered everything – gently coating the old trees dipping into ponds of glistening mud. Something was shadowing the vision, like the stick of a plagued tree, and at times, scratchy leaves were slowly falling into the marsh, where they could sink gently, exhaling purple bubbles. The smell of musk, mingled with dull sands not far made the air stifling, humid and cold. The oxygen was going scarce as the quicksands were nearer, and there, a shadow struggled to get out of the mire, heartrending cries echoing in the dank jungle.

One could then descend slowly, in a continuous movement, down to the shores, and there the face of a young brown-haired teenager was lying, lost in the dream, watching the shadow being slowly swallowed by the sands. And Gray was there… sat on a cool chair; artificial lights of some floor lamps began to glow on his weak body, as he felt the present slowly taking back control. 7 am. Gray shuddered, the air of the station was difficult to breathe.

This pleasant terrace of a café… always freshened by breeze, coming from the streets around seemed deserted at this time. The silence of the station – which was particular because technically there wasn't silence in that kind of place – was drowning some lost people in sleep. Magnolia's train station looked like a giant cemetery where each bench, each corner, each wall could be a sanctuary. An entire ecosystem was living here and now Gray too, feeling how calm and strange Mondays could be, he was living with them, torn between his strange fantasies and the glossy colors of the place. But…

* * *

Why are there always lonely dogs in train stations?

Even in Magnolia, that sounded so strange – those shadows walking fast and looking at people, fear in the eye, searching for junk food in trash bags – left a strange odor… like… withdrawn rain? In any town there were always those kinds of brown or black little lost dogs, turning the streets in movie studios, they were evoking poverty and they were such a source of disgust for a majority of Magnolia's people. Rejected, abandoned.

"Your coffee, sir." Said a young and cute little waitress, dressed for the cold coming winter.

Gray eventually muttered "yes", while the blond girl was already back in the large gloomy coffee shop (one of those establishments where they put death in lunch boxes and you want to pay for) and then, decided to drink the hot coffee after few moments of pure mental void – Athyrium banners were silently growing in his mind.

But the cup was catching his attention, forcing his eyes to look deep into the dark smoking coffee, surrounded by this plastic thing that Gray could not stand (and even more on Mondays). He slowly put the edge of the cup to his lips and tried to drink, as he perfectly knew he would hate the taste. Why did he say to that pretty lady that he wanted a coffee ? And especially a straight mother fucking black coffee? Who knew? Maybe he was dreaming that he could just sit on that chair and order a simple coffee like a simple Monday man and drink it without any emotions. But everything was filled with emotions, spurring emotions, festering those aggressive emotions and he was not able to contain himself. So he cried a little, as if it was the place which was calling for tears.

He was not able to stand that coffee. Why didn't he order something else? Ask for one? After all, he was the only client at that time… And a tea? Yes… His favorite thing on earth maybe… A cool earl grey tea, as in olds times when he was drinking them with his master.

Gray childishly tried to aim for the coffee with his cold tears and won most of the time. That fucking coffee…

And then, maybe it was the rain outside, or maybe the bark of an invisible dog – and certainly not the call of that voice up, announcing the departure of his train – but he stood up and left some random bills on the table, fighting with himself not to upturn the whole structure. So… was it time?

Yes.

* * *

Middle class. Middle of the train. Middle of a row. Then he could, after long steps outside in the freezing town, sit in a new welcoming chair. Blue, and glowing, and even attractive in a certain way because of the smooth covering tissue.

Gray could feel the train in action, all the men of the station preparing everything, melting ice and frost on the locomotive, running on large metal strips, activating valves everywhere to make the whole big frame smoke with a sigh.

Trains…

And Gray was thinking about having a rest. Yes, there was like three or four hours until Crocus and he would not think about everything once again to start shivering and weeping like yesterday. Mourning should not become a habit. So letting the brain off for a few hours for a nap was a good idea, with luck, he would wake up with the weird sounds of steam vents at Crocus town, and everything would be perfect.

Leaving. He just felt so strange now. Traveling had always been an awkward thing to him but he had trouble to explain why.

And as the dim lights of the ghost train – occupied by some odd men in large suits and black coats who were sat far from his chair – were weakly irradiating Gray, he managed to find sleep in lost images of the past, melting those colors with the place, with Magnolia, with what he could imagine of Crocus (what could have changed during the last ten years?) and lately, the face of a beautiful young man, sliver-headed and wearing a cool blue cloak, resting with a pure and shining smiling face, dazed by the heat of a lost summer, lying on a dark couch, Gray tightly bound to his body…

At last, steam erupted from beneath the wagon and the visions gently disappeared. Gray could feel that the train was about to leave, and he enjoyed for a while that sensation – the odd feeling that you lose control on everything and you can sleep for hours, being conducted by invisible persons.

He placed a tired hand to his forehead and crept into drowsiness.

_**XXX**_


	2. YELLOW (1)

**SUSTIVA**

* * *

PART TWO

* * *

_Yellow_

(1)

_**XXX**_

After a few moments of calm, Gray changed his seat to be next to a large window, after all he was nearly the only person on the train… Then the sound of a door opening intrigued Gray for an instant, until he saw the outline of a man approaching. As the stranger walked towards him, Gray felt a familiar thing with the guy. He was maybe a little older than him, carrying huge bags and a dark cloak. In others Mondays, Gray would have helped him, but he was way too tired now to do anything, even to give a welcoming smile ; because the man was coming towards him, as if the way until Gray was all mapped out. Well, the young man was standing here, at three steps from Gray, obviously waiting for something. He seemed worried, and yet, a constant little smile on his face was glowing in the little sub.

He had this kind of pale but friendly face, with medium dark hair, similar to Gray's, gently falling on his dark eyes. One moment, the ice mage could see himself in that guy. It was like looking in an odd mirror where he would be able to see past, of future. Yes, future maybe… That handsome guy was near Gray in age, but his child face reduced the gap: dark little eyes which were now seemingly looking for a seat, a fine nose and sharp lips. Yes, a definitively handsome guy and certainly nice. But when he succeeded to speak (because he had tried several times, managing to open his mouth wide and pronounce clearly some random things about the train), the words, going with some feminine gestures froze Gray:

"Train is late I think…"

_John Williams - D. Scarlatti - Sonata in D minor_

Here was nothing wrong in that strange and general information, it was just a terribly bad introduction and moreover, said to no one apparently because of his staring into space. But now that the guy was looking with a shy expression at Gray (and because Gray was looking at him since the beginning), something finely bonded them for the best.

"Can I sit down here?"

Gray wanted to grace the young man with kindness but he could only make a small smile –lost in sleepy feelings – and shrug. The seat facing him was now occupied, after a moment of _how am I going to seat on that tiny chair? _And the man was looking at him with his characteristic smile, making his long fine fingers effloresce on the table separating them.

"You travel alone?"

"Yes", answered Gray, "So do you… and you have a damn amount of things with you…"

Gray's remark made the guy laugh a little.

"Alright, I think I have fallen on the funny guy of the train…"

"That is not so difficult, there is, like, no-one…"

"At least we are here." Said the young man thoughtfully, searching outside for something.

A quick silence followed, until the sound of a whistle reverberated in the whole station. Some shouts, the cry of a do, and then a new wave of steam eruptions.

"So… Why are you tripping to Crocus on a Monday… with nothing?" Asked the young man.

"Ah… I am, just passing by there…"

"Yes, I thought so, you don't have any traps."

"No, I don't. I hate to be crowded with things like that… I'm already too tired."

"I see…"

A new silent pause allowed Gray to describe to himself the guy facing him, in all his features. Yes, his acute voice was kind of feminine and that was troubling Gray, but the oddest thing was certainly the way that guy was moving his fingers – those perfectly trimmed nails – on the large table. Who was he? A manicure specialist or what?

"So… You return to your city or, do you live in Magnolia?" The guy suddenly placed his two hands on his lap.

"I live here…"

"Oh… Rare to see Magnolia's town people going to that kind of city. So, I suppose your guild is here."

"How do you know I am a mage?" Gray felt more and more intrigued.

"Well, simple. I can feel your magic…"

"So you are a mage too…" Gray looked at the white sky – void.

"Not exactly," the man's look alighted to Gray's body. "Aren't you cold? I mean a tee-shirt in that station… And it is winter in ten days!"

"I don't give a damn about winter actually, or… In fact, I care because it is my favorite season but… not in the sense where I should protect myself. I'm always wearing the same thing…"

"All…right. How can you do this? Ahah. You are just feeling-less or what?"

"No… But I don't suffer from cold."

"Ah… And this is a good way to stop buying clothes, no?"

"Yes, and you are lucky by the way, usually I live naked," Gray's tired voice filled the whole train.

The guy laughed again, and even dried a coming tear with his finger, before looking more closely in Gray's eyes, scouting about a reaction. But the ice mage had his two dark eyes almost closed due to the ghostly atmosphere.

"Aha… Sorry but I have the feeling you are not in your normal state…"

"That is now my normal state… Ah… I feel so strange!"

"You don't have any heart diseases in trains or things like that?"

"No. I had a friend with motion sickness but… I just don't like travelling. This is so awkward."

"Awkward, how? What bothers you?"

"Wait, why you are so interested in my life? You could just sit there and rest… I mean, don't feel compelled to ask me questions."

"You… Of course I'm interested! I chose to sit next to you. And do you think I have the face of a man who forced himself? No," he chuckled, "and you are interesting… That's obvious."

"Why?"

The train chose that moment to start, and they could feel the slow movement of its departure, with some bird squalling. The train station was slipping behind the window.

"Because, because of everything. And your last sentence was quite full of… suspense! Why don't you like traveling?"

"Ah… You know how to trap men, don't you?" Gray felt a kind look on his face and felt a slight discomfort in him emerge, "well, travelling is so… strange. Even if everything felt strange for me for the last days, I… I feel lost in trains… Time is going away… There is no more notion of duration – duration of the trip – that is making them so inhuman. You have melted feelings of past – the county you're from, the souvenirs, the nostalgia, – and at the same time the landscapes, the idea, the hope of the coming land… Colors of times are blending each other and it is like present is no longer there. I feel, like I don't exist anymore in travels… You are way too sensitive and you pay attention to things that you never looked before, as a curious force was taking the control of your wheel. That is why. And by the way, maybe the idea that you can meet people and talk to them like if you've known them for years does not suit me…"

"Oh… But I am just trying to know more about you… I'm not playing, I don't know you, really!" Said the guy.

"I was saying that in general! Ahah, calm down."

There was quite a disappointed touch to the young man's voice:

"But I would like to be sure", he said, "what is your name?"

"… Gray, but it really doesn't matter."

"No, I definitively don't know you… I would have remembered such a beautiful name…"

"Oh, thanks… but, this is just a first name, you know… It should define me but I really can't support it sometimes… To have that tea's name is wrong… Earl Grey… And you? Tell me your name is Diabolo, or Beer, please."

"Call me Z."

Gray sobered.

"Strange."

"Yes, like all the others things around us, as you said."

"Oh, but tell me your full name please. I would prefer to know it…"

"… Zeref. But as you see, my name doesn't mean anything…"

Gray paused and tried to think about something that Zeref evocated to him. He thought for a moment about a dark alley and some lights up in the sky, a night of rest and mystery.

"Hey? Don't fall asleep! … Please!" said Z with a worried face.

"Oh… Sorry," Gray continued to look into the dark eyes in front of him, quite absent.

Z smiled again and placed a hand on the window, hitting the glass a few times with his knuckles He seemed confident and really pleased with the conversation.

"But this doesn't explain why you're going to Crocus anyway!"

"Oh… Do you really want to know? It's not much…"

"Well of course, you're saying that but I'm sure you have a very good reason! If you had to fly out of Magnolia without stuff this day… It must be important."

"I have to…," Gray looked at the dirty window were the city landscape was giving place to pale fields undulating by the cool wind, "there is a special meeting in Crocus hospital. And… I also have to see someone"

"You mean, you work in a hospital?"

"No, I'm kind of a patient…"

_Fable 3 OST : Reaver Mansion_

"Oh… Ok…"

Z seemed suddenly disoriented by Gray's last sentence; each time he was looking at the mage, he moved his tongue and softly thrilled.

"Is that a serious thing?"

"Yeah…"

Gray looked back at him and smiled with serenity, eyes almost closed.

"And you are going to Crocus for exams?"

"No, I follow a sort of therapy with a group… I'm not alone there but… it is not very funny as you might imagine."

"Yes, so is it genetic, or…?"

"Not really, it's pretty complex and all those medical things are boring."

"Yeah… And that condition makes you so tired, right?"

"No… It is the cure. The therapy… All the pills I take are changing me into a zombie," and he chuckled before stretching.

It was clear that Z, constrained, could not find any other things to talk about right now, so, in a hiss, he gently stood up and watched the young mage with caution.

"I offer you something… I know the best meals to eat in the restaurant car!"

"Oh… thanks but I am not hungry," Gray stood up though.

"Sure? The train is gonna arrive in three hours you know…"

"Hmm, in is more like I can't eat now…"

"Ah… your disease, sorry."

"But I'm going with you, don't worry Z."

"Ah… Thanks, it is not that I want to kidnap you but its way better not to eat alone in this train."

"I suppose so." Gray began to follow Z by the wagon, they soon passed thought the next cab.

* * *

The atmosphere was getting hotter. It could be the slight sun strings, coming from the large windows on the sides, or maybe the air, simply filled with the scents of grilled meat and fresh bread. Gray took his seat next to Z... A sun ray was dancing on his skin, making him close his eyes at times.

"So you know this train that much?" Asked Gray, leaning on the counter.

"Yes… I travel often in this train, it is a very agreeable place," he said, looking around for a waiter.

"I wonder… In fact you're the one who asked the questions from the beginning? Don't you think that it is quite unfair?" Gray looked at his neighbor.

"Ahah, if you want, but you seemed quite reluctant at first…"

"Yeah… Can't help. There are so many jerks in public places. When I saw you I was quite divided."

"Oh, interesting, Z laughed. And between what?"

"I have to admit that you are… quite handsome on your own haha, don't take it strangely…"

"No, thanks… I… I am all constrained because of you now." He scratched his red cheek, still smiling with reliance.

"And at the same time, I thought you just wanted to screw my entire trip…"

"And?"

"And it is not the case obviously… you are a nice guy," said Gray, turning his head to the yellow fields.

"Glad to be! It is rare to meet guys like you too…"

"Yeah, I suppose…" Gray was now trying to focus on a coffee stain on the floor.

"Hey, I'm hungry, are you sure that you can't eat anything?"

"No, I would rather not try… In trains even more."

"And how about something to drink? I'm certain you have this old great thirst hidden in you for ages!"

"All right, bring that fucking tea…"

"So it is Earl Grey! Ahah…"

Z left his seat with a victorious grin and approached the bar where a shadow was apparently taking the orders. Gray could not hear them but the smooth voice of Z was still playing with his hears. That guy was really nice, indeed, but he was definitively quite innocent… Like a child. He had a curious personality.

Gray could be so dense with people sometimes… But Zeref was apparently not repelled by his bad temper.

Way too nice.

Gray observed the guy paying the tab, still smiling to that horror face of waiter. Damn. And he managed to make his way to the mage with all the dishes in his hands despite he was quite clumsy and stumbled several times.

But he was there, in front of Gray and with everything in good state.

"Champion is back…" said Gray.

"Ahah, yes. So that is your tea, and this is my miraculously good piece of cake…"

"Oh… Sounds like you already fell in love with it," said Gray, sarcastic.

"Probably, this is way too good!" Z's eyes were sending stars to the red-green cake.

"What is it, strawberry?"

"And kiwi, a lot of kiwi…"

"Ok, I would prefer to eat my shoes, thanks anyway."

"You don't have any taste!" Z said, amused by Gray's lost gaze. "And you are always this funny with people or… am I a particular case?"

"You seemed receptive to my shitty jokes so…"

"Yes, you are quite funny," admitted Zeref.

"Homme qui rit, à moitié dans ton lit" Gray smiled.

"What? Ahah, you speak others languages now?" Z began to eat his cake with voracity.

"Sorry, it was a guy from Crocus who was always saying that…"

"What does it mean?" Zeref was captive from Gray's eyes.

"Well, it means that humor is the best weapon in seduction… more or less."

"Alright, I totally agree with this sentence!"

"Ah… You are always smiling… Be careful, people could find that strange."

"Like you?" Z was asking with a defiant smile.

"Yes, and many other bad guys…"

"Ahah, I… I don't know, some days I can be sad but, I always smile, without even thinking about it."

"You are a natural smiler? Interesting."

"We could say so…"

"So you surely have success with the ladies, right?" Gray was turning the conversation in his favor, seeing the red cake reduced to little crumbs.

"Euh," Z placed his fingers on his nose a moment, like he was trying to hide himself, "I really don't know…"

"You mean you have never been attracted to women?" Asked Gray, feeling that the guy would tell everything.

"Oh! No, absolutely not! Why do you think…?" Z became suddenly serious.

"You know, it is not a problem…" Gray shrugged.

"I'm not gay, and I wonder why I would. Do I look like that kind of guy?" Z began to look with worried eyes at his body.

"No… Don't worry, I just jumped on an opportunity to make fun of you," Gray put a hand in his dark hair.

"That is not very funny, you know…?" Said casually Z, placing the empty box of the cake to his left side.

"No… But I prefer to laugh at that… You are sure you only love women?"

"Yes! Now stop with that!"

Gray could feel the guy tensing, playing awkwardly with his plastic spoon – damn plastic – as he began to slowly smile.

"You're beautiful you know?"

Z looked at Gray with an uneasy glance.

"Th… Thanks."

"Oh, come on, what did I say? It is taboo for you or what?"

"No… Just, I am not gay, and I don't want to be one…"

"Alright, but you don't become gay you know… Anyway, we were talking about your love stories!"

"I think we were not!" Said, suddenly, a relieved Z. "But I would be glad if you began."

"Ah… This is quite boring and… very complicated."

"Is there something simple in your life?" Asked Z, a great smile on his face.

"Oh, maybe… tea… And the cursed shadows of my mind coming to sink me in their abyss… When I fall in sleep. That is simple."

"Ahah, you are quite a poet, aren't you?"

"Well… I used to write poems, but now I don't have the force anymore."

"You poor… You were good at it I suppose…"

"There are not good or bad poetries, just lonely men…"

Z froze and looked with sorrow at his neighbor. Gray said to himself that he was maybe going too far with that boy, but he seemed really interested in every sentence he pronounced… And the last words… that was him, Gray was Gray, talking with him was discovering his flaws.

"Why this negative vision?" Asked Zeref after a long silence, looking peacefully into the fields and apple trees.

"Why do you think poetry is always talking about love and pain? Why are poems so sad in general? You never remarked that?"

"Maybe… I don't usually read poems."

"You should, there are so many magnificent things to read and feel."

"So… poetries are lonely guys…"

"Yes, and most of all are sad because of their own shitty love stories. We can write for as long as we want on love, but no one can free us form that curse…"

"Curse? It seems you have written a thesis on the subject!"

"No, unfortunately I have skipped all those things and focused myself on the guild. And you? What do you do? For living, I mean, not just meeting strange people in the train…"

"Ahah, I'm leaving on my own too. But as I told you, I'm not a mage… I help mages sometimes."

"You've got a client, that's it!" Gray felt the tiredness leaving him.

"Sort of… I make some things with my hands…"

Z looked at his palms and a curious grief came to his face suddenly. Gray couldn't help but watch carefully: long bone and reddened fingers; yet at the same time dwell on a strange sweetness, or a protection of sorts towards the other.

"What, you sew or something like that?" Gray asked, smirking.

"No! Certainly not, I'm not going into those girly things, ahah, but I will let you guess. It is an artistic thing…"

"Alright I see, piano, or violin?"

"Piano." Z smiled deeply.

"For how long?"

"Many, many years, I don't want to know myself. But I am not that good though."

"I'm sure you are a wonderful player. As you said for my poems."

"Ah, I wonder if there could be others things we have in common…" though the dark-haired guy, standing up.

"Hey, we are already leaving? I was just getting close to be accustomed with the filthy smoking sickly atmosphere of the restaurant wagon..."

"Sorry, I'm cold actually," said Z, shivering.

"Oh, ok, you should have said it before, let's go back to our seats, the sun is hidden by the clouds now."

"Yes, I miss the light."

_**XXX**_

* * *

_Don't hasitate to leave reviews, they can be so helpfull and it is always a pleasure, especially because I'm still an amateur in publication. _

_Second part of Yellow will be certainly ok for next week, I again need to thanks MiyuTanemura for her help, she is a wonderfull author and a helping hand._

_Thanks everyone for reading and see you ;)_


	3. YELLOW (2)

**SUSTIVA**

* * *

PART TWO

* * *

_Yellow_

(2)

_**XXX**_

They left their seats and Gray followed Z through the corridors, the man in front of him looked fragile suddenly. For one moment, Gray was tempted to hug him but he restrained himself, sighing softly.

"Back to basics," said Gray, seating back.

The sun – that was previously eclipsed by heavy clouds emerging from the dark sky – dimly lighted Gray's peaceful face. He felt ready to sleep again.

"Hey!" Z was still standing up, with a worried face. "Would you accept to exchange your place with me?"

"Yes… Why?"

"I just want to have the sun on my face… But if you want it…"

"No, no, I do prefer not to have that hot thing right on me. This dark seat is way better actually!"

"_Thanks,_ _night bird_!" sang Z, impish, sitting and enjoying the light.

But the pianist did not look satisfied:

"So, are you finally gonna explain why you come to Crocus" Asked Zeref, playful :

"I already told you! Or… Yes I definitively told you."

"But you said there was a friend you wanted to meet there too, right?"

"Oh…"

Gray eyes shuttered for some seconds, he exhaled air and rubbed his fingers on his long legs. Sun was hitting on Z's grin.

"So you just can't tell me?"

"He is not really a friend, actually…"

"Tell me, tell me everything, I want to know. Looks like you have a pretty bad story! And yet, I'm sure it is not that bad!"

Gray chuckled and then sighed, suddenly tired:

"Yep, but there is really nothing funny or interesting with all this crap. Tell you…"

"I don't care, even if it takes three hours, I want to know, really! And we have time."

"But, what if I don't want to talk about that? You just think about my confort sometimes?"Asked Gray, smirking.

"I know you want to tell me… Because… It can help. You know that talking is the best thing to counter sadness!" Said the pianist.

"I'm not sure of that… But, if you insist… I want to know your own story after… Damn! You're so selfish!"

"Cool! I bet you will laugh out loud before the train arrives to Crocus."

"It already happened, ass…"

"Hey, don't insult me! You deserve better than that."

"You mean, insulting you is like belittling myself or something?"

"Yes… you don't deserve that"

"… I really don't deserve anything…"

And Gray closed his eyes.

"Well," he continued, "I'm ok with talking but I'm already tired just thinking of it. Could you just ask me questions?"

"Great! Suits me! Let's go…"

A man passed near their window. It was the first stop and people were slowly walking in the metal station. The train had stilled, which gave Gray a slight fear suddenly.

"So… First question… You really left your house and all your friends for a weekend at Crocus?"

"Yes… But… I don't know if I still have such friends there."

"You mean you just escaped from your guild because you had an argument with them?"

"No… But you are right in a sense: I escaped… I really hate that idea but I had to. I'm just a coward…" Gray scratched his hair with wariness.

"Tell me. You surely had great friends in your guild?"

_Fable OST 3 Sanctuary_

"Fairy Tail… You certainly know our guild. Yeah… In fact I had some guys with whom I always trained myself. The same guys in missions, the same guys everywhere. Yet I don't know why we were always together but… after all… We were _Team Natsu_."

"Natsu, like, Natsu Dragneer?" Z's eyes widened.

"You know him?"

"Yes, he is a dragon slayer of fire, isn't he?"

"Yep…."

"I have been told about him."

"He is quite famous in Magnolia… He destroyed a lot of great monuments actually. That silly Salamander…" Gray smiled. "But luckily we also had Erza in our team. I bet you know her!"

"No… Erza you said?"

"And the last one was Lucy… Lucy Heartfillia. We were four."

Z suddenly had a flash :

"Erza Scarlet?"

"Yes! Also known as Titania!"

"Yeah, I heard of her great feats." Z said dreamily.

"She is not the happiest person of the guild but she is the strongest and the most comprehensive of them all… So we formed that team. _Team Natsu_…

And we were, like, invincible at that time… I mean, like one year ago. Even with the worst situations we could just rise and beat the enemies. Each time… And yet, we were not that intelligent… How were we so powerful? Still don't know."

"You felt like gods…" Said Z, absently.

"Yeah, maybe, and all the missions were dangerous. We defeated so manly deadly situations… I must say Natsu and I were like daredevils… We took so much risks, and we survived to everything though. Many times I felt that my death was really close, you know… Very close. So close that I was mentally saying goodbye to my friends…"

"Gray, Gray, oh my! What's wrong…?" Cried a voice near the young man's ear.

* * *

_Lost in the vast fields of a farm, surrounded by yellow meadows and green apple trees, Gray was lying on the hot grass, his eyes, focused on a red-haired woman, talking to him with a sad face, shaking his head to make him react. Yes… He was alive, but how bad beaten up ?_

"_Erza, how is he?" A guy around his age asked desperately, approaching with fire in his hands"._

"_Wendy will be able to save him, he's just hurt at his stomach…" Said Erza. "Natsu, you need to find that bastard and let him know that we do not accept such attacks in Fairy Tail!"_

"_Courage Gray, I'm gonna go after those berks for you!" And Natsu, that stupid and funny little dragon ran out of Gray's field of vision._

"A daredevil, you said?"

* * *

"Yes… And I was not the only one. We could tell it's something special with our guild."

"Ahah, okay, it seems you had great friends!" Z was smiling like never before, eyes wide open.

"But I never had any big conflict with all them…" Gray smiled. "Or just with Natsu… Yeah… Stupid story… We were like rivals a year ago."

"Rivals? Ah, you are an ice mage I bet!"

"Yes…"

"Well that explains your rivalry, plus the fact that you wear a t-shirt at the moment…" Z ran his gaze down Gray's body.

"In part only. Because when we had eighteen and nineteen that rivalry just burst and we became like enemies… I suppose our relation drastically changed there."

"What happened?" Z refocused on Gray's eyes.

"Ah… We became more or less rivals in love…"

"Oh… But this is too epic!" Cried Z excited.

"No, haha, not at all! In fact… When I and Natsu had our birthday – because it is a tradition to celebrate our anniversaries on the very same day; double party you see – I felt I was getting really old not to have any mate…"

"Ah… You know, you don't have to be worry about that; there are tons of guys like you who never had any real love story for up twenty years… Look at me!"

Gary arched an eyebrow:

"Well, I should have met you before… You would have told me this. But I really felt like shit at that time… So I was telling myself… _Why couldn't I pick the first girl I like a little and have a good time with her?_ After all, it was just a first try, and love stories at our age were not serious…"

"So?" Asked Z with restlessness.

"So I looked around me during the party and…"

* * *

_She was there, sat with the others at the table, and yet he could only see her… Her blond and sleek hair flowing on her neck. _

_He had never looked at her like that before… Wait… How could Lucy possibly be… attractive? Of course, Gray had felt the need to touch her at times, just in his thoughts, or even kiss her… But, this sensation now was more than a yearning… _

_And then, he met the Natsu's eyes, the dragonslayer had approached him while he was looking at Lucy. _

"_Hey, you're dreaming or what? Come on, you don't you want to fight? The party would be like shit if there was no fight!"_

"_Natsu?" Gray took a very serious tone. "You think I could have a chance with Lucy?"_

"_What?" Asked Natsu._

_The Salamander stopped, and then opened wide his eyes, before suddenly bursting and holding Gray by his chin:_

"_You… How can you do that to me? I was the very first on her, you ice bastard!"_

"_Wait! What did you just say?" Gray simply couldn't understand Natsu's reaction._

"_I said you leave Lucy to me, ice freak! She is mine! Why do you suddenly have any interest in her? You are always talking about your stupid Lyon!"_

"_Shut the fuck up Natsu!" Gray pulled himself away and stared at Natsu with a dark look. "Since when is Lucy only for you stupid flamebrain! If you were that concerned, she would've been your girlfriend for years!"_

"_You…" And Natsu punched Gray, with anger, sending him up to Mirajane's counter._

"You mean there was a love triangle with Natsu and Lucy?" Z seemed happy with this.

* * *

Gray felt pain to tell this episode to Z. The only one where him and Natsu had a real (and thus short) fight. After all, it was the really first time that Natsu could be so furious. His friend, attacking him, as if he was deeply attached to Lucy. There was no doubt now...

"Yeah… But I quickly stopped everything… I was just stupid. I knew Natsu had feelings for her and I played dumb with him…"

A strange alarm came from Gray's watch. He stopped it and sighed.

"Sorry, I have to take my pills…"

Z watched Gray. He was searching in his pocket for a white little white box. He took from it two orange pills and rapidly swallowed them.

"Sorry…"

"No, that's fine. I just wonder why they paint them with strange colors… Orange? Seriously?"

"Oh… The color did the same thing on me, but I'm ok with it now… I just don't care" Gray chuckled.

"So, continue your story, there is like a dilemma with Lucy and Natsu"

"Oh… A week later, after hours of eye-fighting with Natsu, I gave up and told everything to that flaming idiot. Even if he was quite impossible to turn around, I finally won his friendship back… More or less… I think he was still scared of me at that point. Because it seemed Lucy was quite interested in me… and I never realized it…"

"Oh…, that's stupid, indeed!"

"Thanks Z" Gray smiled. "You're so helpful sometimes…"

"Haha, sorry, but it is the truth after all, you had to tell her you had feelings!"

"I never loved her! I just thought so. It was not even a crush… Just, dreams and little…"

"So you never dated her?"

"No… And maybe I was better for us after all… Now she seems happy…"

"But you don't…"

"My actual state is not due to Lucy… I'm quite weak with the cure, but the worst is to have… Oh, just let it…" Gray closed his eyes again.

"Oh, sorry… Are we going on a rude passage?" Z had a concerned face.

"… Not really but… Yep." Admitted the ice mage.

"You know, even if you feel it could be the end of the world, your are alive, that's the most important…"

"Yeah, just stop with your bullshit already."

Z felt a sting on his chest. He moved back and watched the hot fields vibrating slowly. The wind was making them thrill with strange movements. He began to feel sleepy.

"Sorry… I just want to make you feel better."

"Yeah… Just try not to tell silly things like this. You are like a child sometimes…"

"I know…" Z smiled for a while. "So… after this love triangle?"

"I… I was living on my own… I started to move alone and make quests in solitary. Maybe I just didn't want to meet Lucy and Natsu again and make things awkward… So I made my way."

"Ok… You wanted to think about yourself, nothing wrong with that…"

"No, indeed, and I began to go often to the town, in order to pass time… Looking for good bars and restaurants. I met some cool guys.

Though I had this idea to make out with someone, creeping in my brain. I was searching for an occasion… and I felt quite sad at that time… I… I was surely suffering from being alone… Also I started to have some strange feelings. Like… Well…" Gray shrugged and smiled slightly, running a hand over his forehead.

"What? Come on! You seem shy suddenly!"

"Haha… I… Well I started to flirt with a lot of people… Sometimes I was just talking normally, but… It happened that I could kiss a stranger after an hour of… nothing…"

"Wow, seems you have great powers of seduction! Your language skills, maybe?"

"No ahah, certainly not." Gray chortled.

"So you finally got your lady?"

"No… Not really… In fact… I managed to find some nice people…"

"Good! What was her name?"

"Oh, it was a man…"

Z narrowed his eyes:

"So… Wait, you met a new friend?"

"No, I slept with him…" Gray's heart started beating faster.

Z's smile fall.

"Euh… Ok…"

"I don't want to bother or make you uncomfortable, you know, just tell me if I am." Said Gray.

"No! But, I… I just thought you were into girls… Why?"

"Because I am not paying attention to gender…"

"Alright… You were sad at this point?"

* * *

_Listen to : Mihály Vig - Valuska_

"No! Ahah, no! I had always felt something for men before… The thing is that I had troubles to admit it at the beginning… And even more because of Natsu, always around me, teasing me… But as I told you I just couldn't see myself with someone before my nineteenth birthday… I was attracted, but not more… Or so I thought… And then those feelings ran out of my heart and I began to take things seriously…"

"So… You are with him now?" Z still was unsure. "Wow, but I have a strange impression here… I could have not imagined that you would be…"

"Attracted to men? Well, me neither… Until I just realized with that guy in the bar. His story just cleared my mind. Because we were talking of our respective stories, he made me understand that I was in love… In an 'Oh so platonic love'… In fact, I was so rough-and-tumble with this that I could flirt with almost anyone… I was so sad and lost in that big town… But he told me to run for my sake to him and tell everything…"

"Wait… You mean you are in love with another man?"

"Yeah… With that white-haired guy from Crocus…Lyon…"

Z paused, and then looked to the sky. Gray, on his side, was a little bothered by all this questions but felt relief as he was telling everything. The name of his beloved ice-mage turned his heart for a moment; he felt his eyes hazed by tears.

"I could not understand it before, but I had such great time with Lyon when Ur, our master, trained us in the snow… Years with him, sharing all our sensations, all our bad times and experiences… Then I made a terribly stupid and egoist thing and we were torn apart for years.

At the age of nineteen, I just took conscience of my love for him. It was not that hard, but I was really convinced that it could not be love… I trusted in my little feelings for Lucy, I wanted to believe that it was possible to have my life with her… But the more I was thinking about her and the less I felt the thing pleasant… Lyon… He began to haunt me… I was always thinking about him, dreaming about him – and what dreams.

Him, and only him. And yet I could not tell Lyon of my feelings at that time, I was not very sure of myself and I never had any experience… And of course, he had to be mad about that girl, Juvia, a water mage of Fairy Tail that was completely reluctant to his love… Poor Lyon… I was a little like him in fact – always searching for my love –, but he could confess to her, not me… or not at that time… The last time I saw him, maybe four months ago; it was in Fairy Tail, for a party between our two guilds. "

_The bathroom door opened and one could hear some happy voices from the guild's tavern._

* * *

"_Gray, why are you crying?" Asked a gentle voice behind the young ice mage._

_Gray turned to Lyon, half naked, his shapely body shining under the lamp of the bathroom. _

"_No, don't mind me…" Gray wiped the tears away and tried to ease himself. _

"_You know," and Lyon placed his hand on Gray's shoulder, gently smiling" if you are still thinking about Deliora and Ur, I want you to stop now! Those things are past now, and you know perfectly that nobody but that demon is responsible of our master's death…"_

"_No Lyon, that's not it…" Gray stepped aside and looked at the cold glass of water he was drinking before starting to weep._

"_Come on! I don't like when you make this sad head! Juvia was even worried about you. You seem so sleepy!" _

"_I just feel strange… I… I don't know myself, sorry…"Gray was thinking back to Juvia's cold look on him, she was sitting at the white-haired guy right side, a hand placed on Lyon's lap._

"_I know you know" Lyon chuckled "But you are like always trying to hide! Come on Gray! This is very troubling for all of us. First I learn that team Natsu is gone... No more Gray? Why did you stop to go with them on missions? Then it seems you make your own business alone and you only speak – and rarely – to Mirajane with your sad face… What happened, you've changed so much! "_

_The other young ice mage couldn't stand any longer what he heard – all was true, so true and hurtful – and let tears pour from his eyes. Lyon hugged Gray carefully, feeling the cold ice mage's heart beat faster. Gray suddenly lost control and an awkward sensation was filling him._

"_Thanks Lyon, but I'm just stupid…"_

"_Ohhh… stop that Gray…"_

_Lyon shook a little the other and said with a gorgeous smile:_

"_If there is something you want to tell me, I'm open…"_

* * *

"But I just moved back and abandoned the idea to live with him… Until now… I've waited way too long. I thought that to fly away from him was the good solution, but I really can't find rest like this… I feel so sick, so sick of myself and of the world; of everyone sometimes. This is like a general disgust. I'm so stupid, so stupid fuck!" Gray rubbed his eyes with anger." I'm just sick and I can't cure myself from that stupid story… I'm so… I'm a fucking coward!

As if not telling everything could be a good thing for me, and even for Lyon… I saw him four months ago, and it seems like if it was yesterday, and at the same time, I miss him so much. His beautiful face lit by the blues glows of the winter sky, ice drowning us in its flow – I could feel as if I was in a peaceful swimming pool when I was looking at him.

I can't even believe I have this feeling inside me. Ache stole my mind. Worth heckled my soul. I'm awaiting the verdict and patient as long as there is hope. I was living with the hope, the desperate hope that Lyon could love me back. Huh... Love... Beautiful disgrace! Beautiful dark force! Love, I would spit that word of my heart, but at times I cannot do anything to fight against it, nothing, it has hindered me savagely ... And now I sit between his ties of iron and flesh, I 'm lost in the maze of invisible chains that lacerate my body from side to side. Mercies, bitter…

Ah ... the night is sweet; I would just melt away… I feel myself in a swamp without end ... I'm lounging in my chair and talking to you, would love to fly, really, flying and not to be sinking. You see now? You see now why I have to talk to him? ... Why do I have to tell him today if it is possible, if I don't want to go crazy, to rehash these endless stories? I want to see him now, from the deepest of heart, I want to see and feel him again… Even if he is with someone else. I prefer to be friends with him than nothing…" Gray paused a while, suddenly opening wide his eyes, realizing something. "In fact this trip is just for him…"

_**XXX**_


End file.
